I feel kinda guilty cause I went to a family bridal shower and shared some funny Main Man stories with his side of the family:
* Last year we decided to ditch our old fake tree and get a real one. Main Man went out and tried to buy a nice one but never having had a real tree himself he had no idea you really need to focus on what kind of tree for needle dropping rates and also how tall. He bought one that died pretty much day one and just became a dried flower arrangement with Christmas decorations hanging off of it. Now it could have been the type of tree or the fact he bought one way too tall for our room and instead of cutting it from the bottom like I thought 'everyone' knew he cut it from the top...yep... So my beautiful angel was hidden within thick tree branches. It look HILARIOUS... I will have to try and find a pic to post here closer to Christmas.
* My Main Man is a bit of a video game guy and I gave him a PS3 for Christmas last year- he flipped! Ironically he and the girls had to open their gifts quickly at 6am Christmas morning as I was very ill and had to go by ambulance to the hospital unexpectedly. Luckily my BIL and SIL came and got the girls and took them to their celebrations so that they could still enjoy the day and M.M. could go to the hospital and be with me. I had caught the Norwalk flu (gross...) and was discharged by 11am. M.M. insisted that he wasn't going to go join the girls but would stay home to take care of me. Soooo sweet eh? I saw him exactly 2x from 11am till 4am the following day. Yep 2x I managed to be heard over the sounds of his video game crying for some gingerale. I spent Christmas Day (my fave day of the year) crying in bed alone and watching a channel that had a fireplace image and played Christmas carols for hours. Honestly the story makes me laugh now tee hee. I can always find the humour in something.
I feel guilty after telling these stories because of the following reasons today:
*He let me sleep in. He usually likes me to wake up when he is up so we can sit together.
*When I was rushing to get ready at the last minute for the Bridal shower that I found out was hours earlier than I thought he handed me a cup of tea and ironed my clothes while I got ready. He then went out to buy the gift card for me so when my SIL came to pick me up we could go straight there.
*I had quiche at the shower I feel in love with and dragged him to this ritzy store to buy one and the store was packed with seniors that drove their carts like we were in the middle of a smash up derby race. And he didn't complain....
*He said he wanted something easy for dinner like nachos and when I made a face he asked what I wanted. What I wanted was pasta with a marinara sauce, julienned peppers and onions with shrimp and fresh parmesan cheese. And that's what he made...
As much as my Main Man makes me CRAZY I really am a spoilt princess. So tonight while we are watching his type of shows and movies (Stargate's, Star Trek's and tonight's movie- Hellboy) I am pretending to be interested and looking at him when he repeats something that made him laugh from the movie and I am even asking him questions so he can clarify different things for me and show off his knowledge. I love my geek man :)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
wanted...woman with boobs so big they can completely obscure small children's heads in photos...
*if there was ever such a want ad I would be SO in...Seriously I know I have gained weight since my car accident but nothing lets you know its time for the treadmill like looking at pics of you with your nephews and realizing one boob alone is as big as his head....
*speaking of big breasted woman like me- I like to say that if I was a dinasour I would be a boobasaurus- why is it that it is sooo hard to find sexy push up bra's for these puppies....I can hear my small breasted friends now saying 'what you think you get big boobs and nice bra's nahah sista!'. Come on girls..cut me some slack. I would love to have one that doesn't look like it was made in 1940. Okay they arent' that bad....but not good...
*one of my besties likes to moan about her small boobs- she says her shoulder blades are soooo big cause her breasts are actually inverted...that is some funny shit....
*and here is my fave new product that I think I will buy for all my best girlfriends...you know who you are:
Camel Ammo
*speaking of big breasted woman like me- I like to say that if I was a dinasour I would be a boobasaurus- why is it that it is sooo hard to find sexy push up bra's for these puppies....I can hear my small breasted friends now saying 'what you think you get big boobs and nice bra's nahah sista!'. Come on girls..cut me some slack. I would love to have one that doesn't look like it was made in 1940. Okay they arent' that bad....but not good...
*one of my besties likes to moan about her small boobs- she says her shoulder blades are soooo big cause her breasts are actually inverted...that is some funny shit....
*and here is my fave new product that I think I will buy for all my best girlfriends...you know who you are:
Camel Ammo
Friday, November 27, 2009
juicebox's have feelings dontcha know...
*I never seize to be amazed at what my kids teach me each and every day. I found out last Sunday that juicebox's have feelings..thank God I found that out and will stop crushing them before recycling! They could be screaming and I didn't know....I hang my head in shame.... What...you didn't know this either...?? Let me tell you how we found this out. We went for a relaxing Sunday drive - after threatening the life of my oldest if she didn't get into the G.D. car RIGHT NOW and NO she can't stay home by herself. Part of why it was relaxing was the silence- both kids hated me at that moment and were ignoring me....sometimes I like that ;) it means I can hear my own thoughts for a period of time. So anyway we stopped at a few small country stores and at one we bought YD a coke in an old fashioned bottle- very small with a big price- $2 but coke does taste great in the bottle. Mini-me doesn't like pop (yep she's weird we have tried forcing it on her for years but nope) so she didn't get a drink. On our way home she asked YD if she could drink the juicebox she had brought since she had the coke. YD said NO...well we insisted she hand it over- she got a treat the least she could do was let her older sister have a warm juicebox. Fast forward tons of arguing and screaming and YD putting the straw under her butt and farting so Mini-me wouldn't use it and then guzzling the juicebox herself as fast as she could so her sister couldn't have a drop. We were very disappointed in her selfishness and told her so. She explained in a righteous tone that the juicebox was special to her....it had feelings and they meant a lot to each other....I will give you a moment to take that in....wow. She explained that all things created by God have feelings (I should say we had talked about this before and we had talked about all LIVING things having feelings) to which my Main Man said 'For the love of G..JUICEBOXES DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS'. YD erupted in angry tears and told my Main Man 'thanks for CRUSHING my hopes and beliefs dad!!!!!'. I couldn't say anything as I was laughing so hard inside it gave me a hernia. I think it's fantastic how she uses her imagination to justify everything she says and does in her life so it's someone else's fault..she could be a great politician or at least in PR..
This is the newest member of our family. Interesting stains on his face eh... thankfully it's not nicotine- he gave up smoking a few weeks back...just a tell tale sign he ate my flowers..sigh...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Main Man lolz.........
* My main man in his infinite wisdom told me the other day that when I turn 40 he is trading me in for two 20 year olds. I thought about it for a moment then I put my fork down to stop eating the apple pie I was inhaling. Main man said 'what....did my idea cause you to lose your appetite?'. I laughed and said 'no you silly man..it's that I better start that diet now cause you turn 40 first and I think it's a FABULOUS idea'.
* I was extremely frustrated with Main man and I told him, that's it, it's OVER!!!! Main man turned to me and said 'seriously- who are we kidding with our debt and your stretch marks your not going anywhere...'. I laughed so friggen hard that the argument was over. (**please note that I have told MM constantly that he doesn't have to worry about me cheating- not because of morals but because I won't inflict my stretch marks on another man, we both have an extremely dark humour lol**)
* Main man has mostly had office jobs and my sister refuses to shake his hand because of how soft it is, she prefers a man's hand to be rough and calloused from physical labour. It took me two weeks to get the courage to hold his hand again without thinking about that constantly. At one time though MM had a job in a factory and his personality changed drastically! He started swearing like it was a hobby he was trying to go pro with and acting all tough guy-ish. One day I was in our closet picking out an outfit and he was sitting on our bed going on about some altercation at work where he had to be all tough with someone who was trying to get him to do his work. While he was talking I made a big show of grabbing one of my purses from the closet and rooting around in it. When he finally asked what I was looking for in my purse I pretended to pull out something and blew the dust off of it. I said 'sorry, I just wanted to return your balls...sounds like you need them back...'. He laughed so hard he actually fell off the bed...
* I was extremely frustrated with Main man and I told him, that's it, it's OVER!!!! Main man turned to me and said 'seriously- who are we kidding with our debt and your stretch marks your not going anywhere...'. I laughed so friggen hard that the argument was over. (**please note that I have told MM constantly that he doesn't have to worry about me cheating- not because of morals but because I won't inflict my stretch marks on another man, we both have an extremely dark humour lol**)
* Main man has mostly had office jobs and my sister refuses to shake his hand because of how soft it is, she prefers a man's hand to be rough and calloused from physical labour. It took me two weeks to get the courage to hold his hand again without thinking about that constantly. At one time though MM had a job in a factory and his personality changed drastically! He started swearing like it was a hobby he was trying to go pro with and acting all tough guy-ish. One day I was in our closet picking out an outfit and he was sitting on our bed going on about some altercation at work where he had to be all tough with someone who was trying to get him to do his work. While he was talking I made a big show of grabbing one of my purses from the closet and rooting around in it. When he finally asked what I was looking for in my purse I pretended to pull out something and blew the dust off of it. I said 'sorry, I just wanted to return your balls...sounds like you need them back...'. He laughed so hard he actually fell off the bed...
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's a start......
I am sitting here on a Sunday afternoon reading some of my fave blogs and realized I have a lot of random garbage floating in my head that I need to jot down just because....which is my favourite reason to do anything...just because. I spent an hour reading my fave blog for randomness appropriately called Random Esquire. If you want to read something that can make you shoot tea out of your nose unexpectedly while snort laughing (snort laughing- the sexy pig like sound I sometimes make involuntarily while laughing hard) click here and read Random's prose. Warning- if you are offended easily don't go there... Actually it's due to him that I am starting this blog as I realized that he brings so much joy to my simple little day and really I am told I am sooo funny (by my mother, thanks mom) so who am I to not bring joy to others..... I have another blog where I share pics of handmade cards that I make but not sure how many of my blog readers I would lose if I shared just how sarcastic and twisted I am while extolling my colouring skills tee hee....
* I thought it appropriate to share that while creating this blog I am spending time with hubby. I am a very good wife and spend lots and lots of quality time with him to make him feel valued. FYI- quality time for us is sitting on opposite ends of our couch on laptops. I used to spend most of my time in the basement on my computer and he complained I hardly spent time with him. So I bought a laptop so we can be in the same room together. Laptop=good wife. Now he is in his glory having his beloved by him while he watches endless hours of the Food Network or some sort of Stargate show. Once in awhile I will IM him very filthy suggestive messages. That's how we roll....
*speaking of the Food Network we are currently watching Dinner Impossible where the chef gets a challenge to cook a crazy 'impossible' meal for a bajillion people. It's hard for me to watch this show- as the clock ticks on I swear I get anxiety pains...it's as if I have to cook a 5 course meal for a bajillion people in 12 hours.....I think I may have a few issues.
*more on the Food Network- hubby watches it every day for HOURS!! When I met him he was a cook for a very popular restaurant and as a result would cook incredible meals for me and my friends. Sad part was then I was extremely thin and didn't eat much as I was more focused on maintaining looks than enjoying the scrumptious meal he laid out. If someone had me look into a crystal ball back then and show me that we would still be together 16 years from then- much chubbier and at times wearing sweatpants (I know I know but they really are comfy) and said main man would still be interested in cooking but more on the side of watching it on tv while making meals I would have enjoyed the meals more and let myself eat instead of just nibbling. I find it incredibly....interesting...that said main man will watch 2-3 hours of Food Network per day but then make kraft dinner for supper 'because he doesn't know what else to make'. You could say that perhaps that is like me refusing to let hubby get rid of a guitar he bought me 15 years ago that I have never played but instead I insist on buying tons of guitar music books, how to play guitar dvd's etc because one day I will. But that would be unnecessarily harsh in my opinion. Plus how classy am I that I can have a guitar in my house, it ups my coolness factor by at least 10 digits. Let's be honest....if you saw it leaning up against my living room wall the first thing you would think is 'she is so artsy and cool'. It's a fact.
*while typing up this post my main man saw a commercial for baby formula. It starts with a view of a woman breastfeeding a baby- breast exposed...then switches to a baby with a bottle of formula. Main man with his boob radar looks up from laptop just in time for boobview. Looks out of the corner of his eye to see if I caught him watching and then looks at me for a full moment...weighing in on what to say clearly.... he went with 'wow- it's just like porn on tv--on a Sunday' and looked back at his laptop with a happy content smile. This is one of the reasons I love him....it's the simple things in life that bring him joy..
well, that's enough for a first post....plus I think hubby is almost done cooking my supper. I think in honour of it being Sunday it may be a special meal with hotdogs mixed in with the kraft dinner- lucky day!
**edited to add hubby actually made a melt in your mouth roast beef seasoned perfectly, herb roasted root vegtables and gravy drizzled artfully over the plate and food. I know I know- I am an evil wife bwhahahaha.
luv...as if you just said that...
* I thought it appropriate to share that while creating this blog I am spending time with hubby. I am a very good wife and spend lots and lots of quality time with him to make him feel valued. FYI- quality time for us is sitting on opposite ends of our couch on laptops. I used to spend most of my time in the basement on my computer and he complained I hardly spent time with him. So I bought a laptop so we can be in the same room together. Laptop=good wife. Now he is in his glory having his beloved by him while he watches endless hours of the Food Network or some sort of Stargate show. Once in awhile I will IM him very filthy suggestive messages. That's how we roll....
*speaking of the Food Network we are currently watching Dinner Impossible where the chef gets a challenge to cook a crazy 'impossible' meal for a bajillion people. It's hard for me to watch this show- as the clock ticks on I swear I get anxiety pains...it's as if I have to cook a 5 course meal for a bajillion people in 12 hours.....I think I may have a few issues.
*more on the Food Network- hubby watches it every day for HOURS!! When I met him he was a cook for a very popular restaurant and as a result would cook incredible meals for me and my friends. Sad part was then I was extremely thin and didn't eat much as I was more focused on maintaining looks than enjoying the scrumptious meal he laid out. If someone had me look into a crystal ball back then and show me that we would still be together 16 years from then- much chubbier and at times wearing sweatpants (I know I know but they really are comfy) and said main man would still be interested in cooking but more on the side of watching it on tv while making meals I would have enjoyed the meals more and let myself eat instead of just nibbling. I find it incredibly....interesting...that said main man will watch 2-3 hours of Food Network per day but then make kraft dinner for supper 'because he doesn't know what else to make'. You could say that perhaps that is like me refusing to let hubby get rid of a guitar he bought me 15 years ago that I have never played but instead I insist on buying tons of guitar music books, how to play guitar dvd's etc because one day I will. But that would be unnecessarily harsh in my opinion. Plus how classy am I that I can have a guitar in my house, it ups my coolness factor by at least 10 digits. Let's be honest....if you saw it leaning up against my living room wall the first thing you would think is 'she is so artsy and cool'. It's a fact.
*while typing up this post my main man saw a commercial for baby formula. It starts with a view of a woman breastfeeding a baby- breast exposed...then switches to a baby with a bottle of formula. Main man with his boob radar looks up from laptop just in time for boobview. Looks out of the corner of his eye to see if I caught him watching and then looks at me for a full moment...weighing in on what to say clearly.... he went with 'wow- it's just like porn on tv--on a Sunday' and looked back at his laptop with a happy content smile. This is one of the reasons I love him....it's the simple things in life that bring him joy..
well, that's enough for a first post....plus I think hubby is almost done cooking my supper. I think in honour of it being Sunday it may be a special meal with hotdogs mixed in with the kraft dinner- lucky day!
**edited to add hubby actually made a melt in your mouth roast beef seasoned perfectly, herb roasted root vegtables and gravy drizzled artfully over the plate and food. I know I know- I am an evil wife bwhahahaha.
luv...as if you just said that...
Bits of Random for today...
*youngest daughter (YD) is having a bit of a rough day. Got in trouble for not helping to tidy when she should have. She was asked to put away the Halloween paraphernalia and not play with it. I looked at her 2 secs later and saw her putting her pirate costume back on- including the eye patch. When I got upset that she didn't listen and was playing with the Halloween stuff instead of cleaning she got RIGHT offended and said 'Mom, I am not playing with the Halloween stuff, I am WEARING it. Two different things mom so I think you owe me an apology for getting frustrated with me for no reason'....OMG......as if she just said that.....wow.
*after said altercation with YD she decided she was very offended with us (I just love this age) and thought in honour of the whole issue that she should have a temper tantrum and knock over the garbage can to express and demonstrate her level of ire. Yep- not smart. She was then utterly disgusted that she was responsible for having to clean it up and mop the floor after. After it was all cleaned and we were reflecting on the situation over a cup of hot chocolate ( I am also a fantastic mother) I mentioned that perhaps knocking over the garbage can was not a good idea and would she agree that she shouldn't do that again.....she declined. She explained she wasn't sure- if she got that mad again it may happen...and she didn't want to lie to me. My SIL who was over laughed and commented 'well...you did ask her opinion and you gotta love the truth'. I can actually picture how her mind must have been working:
knocking over garbage can=bad
lying to mother (that it will never happen again)=very bad
So she chose the lesser of the 2 evils. This is the same child who had to bring a hysterically written note home from her French teacher (who also left a hysterical message on answering machine- I think she may have been shrieking at times) because she upset the French teacher with her insubordinate attitude. During class that day said Teacher asked a question and asked the kids to raise their hand if they knew the answer. YD didn't have her hand up and Teacher thought she would catch YD not paying attention so asked her what the answer was. YD replied that she didn't know. Teacher accused YD of not paying attention and YD clarified that she was paying attention and the Teacher was the one who wasn't. YD noted 'You said to raise your hand if you knew the answer and I don't know it so I didn't raise my hand so why did you pick me to ask?" Please note that this was said in the tone of 'idiot' to the teacher as YD clearly didn't understand what the fuss was about. While trying to talk to YD about how she shouldn't talk to the teacher that way she asked then why was it okay for the Teacher to ask those who knew to raise their hands then ask someone for the answer with their hands down- 'now that's dumb and it's kind of like a bully thing to do mommy'. Wow...raising kids is scary at times...YD is quite smart but I won't tell her that..I don't want her to know that I realize she is smarter than me.
*Mini Me (my oldest daughter) has entered into scary teen years. There are times main man and I hold hands, look into each others eyes and cry hysterically wondering if we are going to survive these next few years. My mother (bless her) very lovingly screamed at me while growing up "I HOPE YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE YOU...!!!!!" And I got one.....just....like....miserable....moody.....sarcastic....vicious teenage me. Wow- if I had of known then what a powerful witch my mother was I probably would have did the dishes after supper without her having to pop a vein in her head each time.
*Main man and I were sitting on the couch the other night, sipping tea and listening to our two girls screaming at each other, throwing items and just generally letting everyone know just how hated they are and he turned to me and looked deep into my eyes. His deep thought provoking gaze had me utterly captivated and I breathlessly waited to hear what profound comment he was going to share. In absolute seriousness he said "Listen...I don't want to break up but I was wondering if I could move out for a few years...just until they move out then I move back in.....just a thought". I grabbed his hand and caressed it lovingly while I said "there is no f***king way in hell you are leaving me here alone with those two" then I dug my fingernails into his palm just to emphasize how serious this was to me to. We then went back to sipping our tea quietly. I love how we openly communicate with each other.
*youngest daughter (YD) is having a bit of a rough day. Got in trouble for not helping to tidy when she should have. She was asked to put away the Halloween paraphernalia and not play with it. I looked at her 2 secs later and saw her putting her pirate costume back on- including the eye patch. When I got upset that she didn't listen and was playing with the Halloween stuff instead of cleaning she got RIGHT offended and said 'Mom, I am not playing with the Halloween stuff, I am WEARING it. Two different things mom so I think you owe me an apology for getting frustrated with me for no reason'....OMG......as if she just said that.....wow.
*after said altercation with YD she decided she was very offended with us (I just love this age) and thought in honour of the whole issue that she should have a temper tantrum and knock over the garbage can to express and demonstrate her level of ire. Yep- not smart. She was then utterly disgusted that she was responsible for having to clean it up and mop the floor after. After it was all cleaned and we were reflecting on the situation over a cup of hot chocolate ( I am also a fantastic mother) I mentioned that perhaps knocking over the garbage can was not a good idea and would she agree that she shouldn't do that again.....she declined. She explained she wasn't sure- if she got that mad again it may happen...and she didn't want to lie to me. My SIL who was over laughed and commented 'well...you did ask her opinion and you gotta love the truth'. I can actually picture how her mind must have been working:
knocking over garbage can=bad
lying to mother (that it will never happen again)=very bad
So she chose the lesser of the 2 evils. This is the same child who had to bring a hysterically written note home from her French teacher (who also left a hysterical message on answering machine- I think she may have been shrieking at times) because she upset the French teacher with her insubordinate attitude. During class that day said Teacher asked a question and asked the kids to raise their hand if they knew the answer. YD didn't have her hand up and Teacher thought she would catch YD not paying attention so asked her what the answer was. YD replied that she didn't know. Teacher accused YD of not paying attention and YD clarified that she was paying attention and the Teacher was the one who wasn't. YD noted 'You said to raise your hand if you knew the answer and I don't know it so I didn't raise my hand so why did you pick me to ask?" Please note that this was said in the tone of 'idiot' to the teacher as YD clearly didn't understand what the fuss was about. While trying to talk to YD about how she shouldn't talk to the teacher that way she asked then why was it okay for the Teacher to ask those who knew to raise their hands then ask someone for the answer with their hands down- 'now that's dumb and it's kind of like a bully thing to do mommy'. Wow...raising kids is scary at times...YD is quite smart but I won't tell her that..I don't want her to know that I realize she is smarter than me.
*Mini Me (my oldest daughter) has entered into scary teen years. There are times main man and I hold hands, look into each others eyes and cry hysterically wondering if we are going to survive these next few years. My mother (bless her) very lovingly screamed at me while growing up "I HOPE YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE YOU...!!!!!" And I got one.....just....like....miserable....moody.....sarcastic....vicious teenage me. Wow- if I had of known then what a powerful witch my mother was I probably would have did the dishes after supper without her having to pop a vein in her head each time.
*Main man and I were sitting on the couch the other night, sipping tea and listening to our two girls screaming at each other, throwing items and just generally letting everyone know just how hated they are and he turned to me and looked deep into my eyes. His deep thought provoking gaze had me utterly captivated and I breathlessly waited to hear what profound comment he was going to share. In absolute seriousness he said "Listen...I don't want to break up but I was wondering if I could move out for a few years...just until they move out then I move back in.....just a thought". I grabbed his hand and caressed it lovingly while I said "there is no f***king way in hell you are leaving me here alone with those two" then I dug my fingernails into his palm just to emphasize how serious this was to me to. We then went back to sipping our tea quietly. I love how we openly communicate with each other.
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